A letter to my Mimi from her baby

Dear Grandma, ( I know you hate being called that)

I’m sorry you have a daughter that controls everything and lies for a living to get what she wants. I’m sorry your so called ”conservator”, won’t tell you the truth about your son and how he is doing. I’m sorry your other granddaughter keeps you all to herself and acts like she’s number one all because she suddenly took an interest in you once she had kids. What you don’t know is, your daughter and your conservator won’t let me see you or talk to you without permission because they are afraid I’ll tell you about your son and how he’s doing. You and I were so close and for a while there, it was only me seeing you almost every day. Before I would go to the bar, I would stop by and hangout with you and every time you would tell me to be careful and I’d give you a hug and kiss and say, I’ll be back. I would bring you your favorite vanilla shake and we would share fries and talk about everything. You would get so happy to see me and always asked where I was. I would always document our visits with our fun pictures because you always thought you didn’t look good and I wanted to prove you wrong. You are beautiful. The sad part is, you probably are getting told, that I no longer want to see you or some made up bullshit like always. What’s also sad is how your other granddaughter won’t stand up for what’s right because she’s nothing but selfish. Selfish for, letting you worry about your son with no real answers and letting you worry about me and letting you think the worst. I could fight it and just go over to see you or even call you again, like I tried to do, but I know I’ll get turned away and I can’t afford a lawyer. How sad that it would come to that. Your daughter, granddaughter, conservator and caregiver, have no idea what it feels like to be erased. They don’t care though because they have you. I can at least say, that I was the first and only one, to take you to visit Grandpa for the first time after he passed and I’ll always have that memory to make me smile. I can only imagine how my dad feels. That pain is unreal. I hope you know how much he adores and loves you. I adore and love you too and always will. I remember asking you what tattoo you would want me to get in honor of you 935513_900403076641424_36786990_n

and you of course objected to that idea, but I said I’m doing it anyway and you said to get pansies. Which are your favorite flower, so that’s exactly what I got. Every tattoo I have, has a meaning and when I look at my arm, I will think of you and how you supported, loved and cared for me. I feel like I’m writing to you as if you passed away, but in a way, that’s how it feels. People are cruel and I hope those who have taken you away, someday realize, their actions were beyond wrong and uncalled for. I’m thankful I have videos of you telling me you love me because I’ll never get to hear your voice again. Believe me, you’re worth the fight, but to fight those people isn’t worth it. My favorite picture of you and I, is me laying on your lap during a fishing trip and I remember feeling completely content. You made me eat everything off my plate and I couldn’t leave the table until I did and you made me say grace even if I didn’t want to and most of all, loved me no matter what.  I remember waking up  one day at your house and you were just leaning over me to see what I was doing that day, which makes me laugh thinking about it..Felt like a movie moment. I hope you know that, your baby grandchild loves you, your son and my mom love you so much and someday, we’ll all be together again without all the bullshit and mean people around. You’re one of a kind, my Mimi. ❤



Can We Really Live Without Someone?

There have been a few people who I thought I could never live without. I had many memories with them, even in a short amount of time and yet, we split and I can honestly say, I was able to move on. Strange thing is, having dreams where these people will pop up and I’m reminded of them and I end up wondering, what they are up to, when I would rather  not think about them. That makes it a bit difficult, but then the day goes on. I feel, people need to prove themselves and keep proving themselves because that is how you show you care. If you give up and act like people will just keep sticking around, I’d think again. A lot of people will sadly stay, but people do find the courage to move on. I don’t trust easily and for good reasons. I tend to get let down and people would say,” you should know this was going to happen,” but that’s not right. Doesn’t make it okay. It’s a learning process and every person you come across and in my case, is either a blessing or a lesson. People that become lessons, doesn’t mean it has to be a negative thing. Think about it in a positive way and grow from it. I struggle with that, but I’m doing pretty damn good. I believe you can live without people, but it’s nice to know, there are people that are reliable, loving and good, who are worth keeping around.

How To Love Yourself and Keep Living Happy

I watched the movie, Penelope and it got me thinking about society and the constant judgement that goes on. Now, I don’t follow trends, never have, so when I see people who have ”mastered” their makeup or how to do their hair and they criticize someone who does their makeup far less than the other person and they say ” oh they don’t know how to apply this or that or they are doing it all wrong” actually, they are doing it how they want to do it. What it comes down to, in my opinion is, people not being able to accept originality. Now days, it seems like that’s hard to find, but trust me, it’s still out there. I don’t judge anybody simply because what other people wear, do, how they walk, talk, do their makeup or hair, they must like being that way so I figure, let them be. What’s my judging going to do? Change them? No.Unless you are hurting someone, then there is judgment on my end. I believe in giving a compliment because I enjoy making people smile or I’m just plain nice to them, even if they aren’t nice to me. I don’t understand why people are concerned with how other people do things. The life you should be worried about, is your own. Not how someone else chooses to live theirs. Which brings me to loving yourself.. accept how you do you. Staying authentic, is most important, especially, now days, when trends just take over everything. Trends aren’t bad, only when you lose yourself to perfect eyebrows or the best of the best and needing to fix this or that. Not against fixing anything either. Happiness is key and being able to supersize or downsize something, is a beautiful process, if done for the right reasons. As long as you know, everything you are doing is because YOU want to do it and it’s for your benefit, the love for yourself will blossom. Try smiling more, even before going to sleep. Might sound odd, but from my own experience, it makes a difference and you can definitely make time to do it. If you stay kind, loving, humble and sweet towards others, you’ll grow happier and most important, you’ll grow into a stronger person. If you send out positive vibes, you’ll get positive vibes back. Maybe not right away, but don’t let that discourage you.. Don’t let it bring you down, if you don’t get the response you want. How you react, is what will make or break you.( Speaking from experience) In conclusion, loving yourself requires work and it’s not always easy, but a life lived happy seems way more worth it, than living day-to-day as Debbie downer. Let’s be positive Patties!

A Silly Saying People Use

The saying,” don’t be a pussy,” is not something I ever really looked too much into. I was watching a comedian talk about how people use it and how bizarre it is, because when you think about it, the pussy, (unless you’re talking about a cat) is very powerful. We push babies out of there and then, it still performs and does what it needs to do again. It’s quite a compliment to be called a pussy, in my opinion. Not to mention, the war that goes on for about a week or less if you’re lucky, when it’s, that time of the month for us. You can make it tighter or as loose as you want it. The body is remarkable and if any body part should be used in a mocking way, I would nominate the penis just for going limp, especially after the deed is done. How about, ”don’t be a dick.” #powertothepussy

To Love Isn’t to Neglect

Neglectful : Not giving proper care to someone or something. I would never neglect someone or something because I know the feeling all too well. You could be the one giving all the attention and in return, you get pushed away or basically told, you’re not worthy of attention. It doesn’t matter that you push harder and work harder at understanding why someone is the way they are because you can not change them. Even though it seems like it’s simple and if only they could understand how they’re acting and correct it, that would make life, pretty easy. If other people only hear one person being upset and they bud in, trying to act like that person is horrible and how could they be mad, it only makes matters worse because they have no clue how bad the other person maybe hurt them…Countless times and yet, that one person will play the victim and not own up. If you love someone, you don’t let other people trash them, you stick up for them and own up for your mistakes.  If you can’t hear someone out and make time for an actual conversation, look in the mirror and find where your faults are before hurting someone with your silence. Then, the other person feels stupid for staying because it’s a broken record. The giving in, is the worst part because you know it will happen again and the neglect will creep up sooner than later and the disappointment will sink in, once again. You’ve let your walls down for what? Actions speak louder than words, in my opinion and I’ve yet to see that change from people. Being neglected is one of the worst feelings and no one deserves to feel it…Unless you’re a really bad person, then you shouldn’t be around people. A fault of mine is, I can care too much and give my all, to people who don’t deserve it. I had one person ask me, ” why do you stay around people who act that way?” And I said ,”because it’s hard for me to give up on people.” She said, ”that’s a good answer.” It seems like it’s easy for people to treat the one who does everything for them and people in general, the worst. I’ll never understand that. Expressing yourself in a million different ways, won’t help either. It only makes it worse, unless you are reasoning with a reasonable person, which is rare. All I can say is, I do and did what I can, I tried over and over again, I pushed hard and made myself fall apart for nothing and no one worth falling apart for. Anyone or anything that makes you cry or makes you feel less than, know you’re more than that and worth it. Maybe not to that person, but you’ll be that person to someone else who will appreciate all you have to give.

This is for anyone in any type of relationship such as, friend, family, boyfriend, girlfriend.. Love and care from good and genuine people, are out there.

My miscarriage & how I was able to move forward

I always wanted to be a mom and I couldn’t wait to tell people when it finally happened. My body hates me, so I have some medical issues that I thought would get in the way of me getting pregnant, but it happened. I started feeling bloated and my basal body temperature was up for almost a week so I knew something was up. We found out at 7 weeks and all I could do, was cry. I was scared, happy, and shocked. We told people immediately, which is not how I wanted to do it, but such good news like that couldn’t wait. We had some support, but some people, like my sister, told me she didn’t want to talk to me and wouldn’t support me and basically told me to get an abortion because she didn’t approve of my relationship.Other family members and some friends were there for us, but ultimately, we only needed each other. Major migraines started happening and I pushed through it as well as some bleeding. I went to my OB and he said that I should be fine and everything looks good. I started bleeding more, but had symptoms and my belly was staying bloated so I figured things were okay. I had an ultrasound done because I was worried and they didn’t see anything, however, my OB said that was normal and the baby could be hard to see right now. 9 weeks rolled around and I still was bleeding along with some cramps. They told me to go to the hospital, but I waited two more days because my boyfriend said we should wait and I went along with that. I suddenly felt that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.. Hard to explain the feeling.. I looked a little pregnant, but the feeling inside was empty. We got to the hospital and I knew I had to get a D&C since it wasn’t safe. They gave me the option to wait, but they did an unltrasound again and found the sac with no baby in it. I started being in horrible pain and they made me wait 2 hours before being put into a room. That hospital was horrible to being with, but I hated every second of the experience. I had to walk outside to where my boyfriend was waiting and tell him that the only option was to get the D&C done…I just remember him holding me outside of the hospital while I cried and cried. I finally went into labor and delivery and got my own room until I was ready for the procedure. I started having intense labor pains, that turned into a ton of bleeding and sitting on the toilet wanting to just die because I felt beyond shitty. I suffered for an hour until they came to get me. I threw up in front of the nurse because I couldn’t hold it in from all the pain, which I felt bad about because I didn’t want them to have to pick up my vomit, but after that, I was put on the bed and moved to prep. I waited another hour in a half, and that was the worst part because I was in non stop pain and couldn’t get any medication. I remember just being so upset asking the nurse for anything over and over, and they told me it’s like I’m in labor and there’s nothing they can do until my OB comes. My Blood pressure was so high and I just held on so tight to the side of bed wanting it to end. Crazy part is, before my OB came in, I felt the need to push, so I did, and after that, the pain kind of settled. I was so cold at that point and wanted to just leave. They did the procedure and I went back to my room to recover for another hour. I remember crying again, but my boyfriend held my hand and said it would be okay so I appreciated that and again,  went with it.

We both dealt with the miscarriage differently, but we got through it. I learned that, it’s okay to cry and feel the pain of it. It was not my fault and when the time is right, I’ll be able to have my baby. As time went on, I got stronger and became thankful to know that I can have a baby despite the issues I have with my body. I still and will always wonder about my little one, but I know everything happens for a reason and I look forward to the future and whats in store for me and my future family.

Let’s talk weight & judgement

First things first.. A person’s weight, is their own business. I’ve always been thin, but I’m also somewhat fit. That’s just my body type and I work at keeping my curves. I’ve been judged, but I’ve learned that, the people who judge, are the ones who are truly struggling.  However, when I read rude comments about how a person should either gain more weight or lose weight, it hits a nerve for me. I can’t stand people who think they can say whatever they want just because they are behind a screen. Pretty sure they wouldn’t have the guts to say it in person. I do my part by reporting comments like that because I’ve seen what those comments can do to people. Now, if you see that this person may need to change their ways, then yes, gently try to talk to them, but research ways to approach that if you’re more straight to the point, because you could do more harm than good and then let it go. They need to want to make the change themselves. Behind a screen or  not, nobody should make jokes or put their two cents in. Where did manners and common decency go? You don’t know the battle people are struggling to keep the weight on or off. Not easy on both ends. A bit of advice I would give is, tell people they’re beautiful or handsome and lift them up. Don’t tell them to eat more or eat less and if you must, encourage a healthy way to live.

People I used to know

I used to have this friend that I basically grew up with and she became completely different as we got older and put me on the back burner while she grew closer to other people. Wasn’t there for me anymore and once my sister had her first kid, they became close. Talk about weird timing. Funny how kids can attract people who weren’t really there. I guess closed minds, attract other closed minds. Having an open mind means, you’re able to process other people’s feelings and thoughts and accept it for what it is, but these people I knew, are opposite of that. I used to think I couldn’t live without these people and how could life go on if they aren’t in it, but let me tell you, it’s doable. You start to see them for the type of people they are and as long as I’m not having to deal with that amount of fake, I’m good. You try to include them in certain events in your life and for me, I wish I didn’t because they weren’t there. Of course, I learned from that and told myself, I deserve only the best in my life and knowing someone for many, many years doesn’t mean anything. Come to think of it, I’ve had a couple of friends that neglected me because I was living my own life and not theirs. I either had to live by their rules or I’m out. I guess I should say thanks for showing me what I don’t need or want to be surrounded by. It is okay to lose people (friends or blood related family).. That seems like it’s hard to deal with, but in all honesty, it gets better. Once good people come into your life, you’ll start to see that, what you once knew, was only a little bump in the road and life happily goes on. Best advice I can give is, do you! If you lose people by doing that, as Charlie Sheen would say, ”winning!” 😉


Since it’s Valentine’s Day and all

I’m not a big Valentine’s Day person, because I think, love should be celebrated everyday and gifts of any kind, should happen more than once a year. I wanted to write about what love means to me.. Love, is respecting the person you’re with. It’s giving hugs when it’s not expected. I love doing the dishes and all of a sudden, I get a hug from behind and a kiss on the neck. Saying I love you whenever the other person leaves and saying be safe just to show you worry about them. Always saying I love you before going to sleep because you never know if you’ll wake up. Being goofy and laughing at stupid things that only make sense to the both of you. Holding each other just for the hell of it. Taking the time to do what makes the other person happy, even if it’s not something you would choose to do. Compromising, because you’re a team and it’s not all about you. Being completely selfless. Being able to put someone else’s needs in front of your own, is a beautiful thing. Always remember, your needs are important too. Being able to talk about anything as well as just being silent and content. Holding hands while watching a movie or being out in public. Opening doors for each other..Works both ways. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t make my man feel special. Love, is sharing food and asking if the other person wants something. I don’t think over the top love, should ever die in a relationship. Meaning, no matter what life throws at you or how hectic your day is, if you truly love the person you’re with, keep that flame burning all day everyday and make them feel like they are number one. Love, is not neglecting your partner. Love, is making time for sexytime. Love, is not making excuses as to why you can’t go do something together. Making time to make memories with each other, is very important in my book. I hope by reading this, it inspired you to go out and love harder. Have an amazing and lovely day!

“And I’ve realized that the Beatles got it wrong. Love isn’t all we need—love is all there is.” -MM

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