Why I Still Have A Facebook

Just like Myspace, Facebook used to be cool in my eyes and I was all about that ”new selfie life” and I have to give an update as if people really cared.. As of recent, I started noticing, even if I post something super meaningful, the people who I would think should be liking it, aren’t, but they’ll like beyond meaningless posts that get attention because they’re more relatable.. The only reason that got to me, was because in real life, they try to act one way, but if they really cared, they would be supportive on every outlet. Everyone has a Facebook and if you don’t, you will, or the next ”best” thing. Old memories will pop up and I’ll either be like, wtf  was I thinking, laugh or smile. Guess Facebook wasn’t a total waste of time.  Most of the people I see on there, either take selfie after selfie and don’t share what’s really going on, which isn’t for everybody, but why have a Facebook then? So people can just stalk other people, who may or may not be telling what’s really going on.. I’m always real no matter what, so I can’t relate to the people who only post happy stuff or joke around 24/7 cause we all know, that’s not you everyday.. Why not share sad days/bad days/maybe need a hug days… Social media already isn’t a reliable source for the truth seekers so I hope a change happens within people sooner than later. Share more, try to be open.. That’s just how I see it. I wish what I know now, I knew back then because it would have helped me avoid situations I wish never happened. I’m definitely more wise so you could say that I’m thankful. I remember getting told, that because I wasn’t posting pictures of myself, that I was changing and not in a good way… That remark didn’t make sense to me, but all it did was show me that I was growing and changing for the better and that person really didn’t know me like I thought they did so win/win for me. I also got hated on for posting certain things and being myself which I told that person to start living their life and quite being worried about mine because I’m doing me and opinions mean nothing. Most of the time, the poeple making the absurd comments, don’t have a life they are proud of so they try and bring down those who are out there and actually live. ”I’m only human, don’t put your blame on me.” I still share even if a few people notice because there are those people who really do care and that’s what matters. Likes, comments, ect, those things don’t matter as long as you stay true to yourself and keep those around who deserve to be around.

P.s.- I got rid of a lot of people and I can honestly say, that felt good. Stalkers who only stalk, aren’t real friends.

What It’s Like To Get Away…

Picking up and leaving comes with a lot of uncertainty, but the issues back home, don’t matter as much anymore. That’s a ”blessing.” For me, it made me realize that, my issues with my sister who tried to discredit my rape experience and tried making me live a life she wanted me to live all while I kept her secrets and was there as much as I could be, hurts less and less, especially being away from her. As odd as it sounds, it’s almost like I never even knew her.. Guess you could say, that’s sad, but enough is enough. I didn’t have to scream or say no because that’s scary shit, future advice sis, look up rape and read all about it before you say what I went through wasn’t that. Again though, being away from people like that makes life feel good again.. Other family issues are there and all other bullshit still lingers, but a little less each day. In the 25 years I’ve been living, I finally feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Not saying it’s not hard, but I’ve always been a pusher and determined to make anything happen, so for me, I know everything is going to be okay. Back home, it felt like weight kept being put on me and nothing got better no matter what I did.. After losing my Elvis, I knew something drastic had to happen. Seemed like everyone else kept living and I wanted to be able to feel what (just living) felt like without the constant stress and memories I no longer wanted to remember. The really hurtful memories are tougher to shake off, but it does get easier to talk about and feel very little for that memory or person. I’ve done what a lot of people I know wanted to do and that makes me feel good. This blog is mainly for me to look back on, but if my words can help someone else, I’m glad I decided to share my life. Not a quiet person, I speak up and I have no problem sharing or talking about anything with whomever as long as you’re genuine and nice. #beniceorgetout

To be continued….

People Who Think They Know What’s Best For You

Something that I’ve always had to deal with, is people who think they know what the best thing to do is when it comes to my life… As a person who let’s people be, unless I see they are going to harm themselves or come to me for advice, I can’t understand the need for people to feel that entitled.  People make choices and either grow from those choices or stay stuck. Being stuck doesn’t mean that’s the wrong choice, you still grow, but that added stress is going to be there. The people who make you feel like crap for the choices you make, are the people I’m mainly talking about. The people who say things out of love, over and over again, definitely have the right to do so, but need to understand that actions speak louder than words therefore, if they really want you to make a different choice, they should be more hands on otherwise, stop saying something. When someone is ready for a change, that change will happen. Even saying something out of love and voicing an opinion that they think is right, isn’t always right. Might be right for them, but not necessarily for you or me. As people, we know what we want to do and although we can get lost in those choices, no one should be put down. You help people, especially if they ask for help… Even if they ask many times for help, you don’t give up on them. Giving support doesn’t have to be just opinions or making someone feel like your way is right, it’s sending a smiley face or saying, ”I love you,” simply saying, ”I’m here if you need anything…” People tend to do what they want despite opinions anyways, so maybe people should try a different approach, rather than the approach they want that person to take. I used to tell someone my opinion on a choice they kept making and I tried helping because I cared, but I realized all I had to do was drop it and just accept their choice, support them by asking how things are and saying, ”I’m here for you no matter what.” Worked for me and it worked for them. If you’re not in that persons shoes, you have no clue what’s best for them, unless they can’t think for themselves nor do you know what they do to make things work. I wish people understood that, but I choose not to stress over what people think and just do me, because only I know what will make me happy and I strive to make my happiness my number one priority.  I’m going to get to where I want to be because I made it happen, not because I was told how to get there.

Life Changing (Rest in Peace my baby)

Today I lost my best friend, my sweet boy, bubba, angel, babylove.. He had many nicknames. Writing this isn’t easy, but my babe meant the world to me and I know he’s touched a lot of other people’s hearts so he would want you to know that he’s in a better place and not suffering. I was one lucky mama and my Elvis was one amazing kid. He was always by my side and when I was gone, he was by his dads side, waiting for me to come home so he could give me kisses and follow me around. I’ll forever miss him coming and kissing my legs while I’m doing the dishes and looking in the tub to make sure I was ok if I had my head in the water when I took a bath.. Telling him ”night,night” which made him fall asleep or his dad singing ” Elvi is a dinosaur,” which also made him fall asleep.. Playing hide and seek with him and his sister.. He would look all over for me until I was found.. Whenever I would cry, he was right there to lick my tears and would even start to have watery eyes which just showed how special my boy really was. I never treated my babies like they were just animals.. I treat them like they are kids I gave birth to. The bond him and I had is something I’ll treasure for the rest of my life. I’ve dreaded this day since day 1 and now that it’s here, I don’t know what to do with myself. Never imagined life without him. He was my rock, a major part of why I kept going..Wouldn’t of been able to get through everything I did, if it wasn’t for him. He could always make me smile, no matter how bad things were. We always wanted to be together and I wouldn’t of had it any other way. He helped keep me company when I did laundry, watched me while I cooked and always made sure he knew where I was. Putting him down today, broke my heart… Holding him like the baby he was and kissing him until he was completely gone, while his dad rubbed his head, made me so thankful that I had the privilege to parent him and that he got to pass the way I’m sure he would have wanted to. There is so much I could say about this sweet boy of mine, but with my heavy heart, I know he is free and will always be with me..(I told him he better be) cause mama needs her boy. Thank you to my parents for being there for him today.. He loved you both. Thank you babe, for being his daddy and adding to his happiness.. He really loved you, especially when you sang to him. Taylor (his sister) can’t clean his ears anymore, but the love we have for her, will hopefully help with her grieving. Rest in peace my Elvis Lee. Mama, dada and sister will love you forever and always. See you later my happy baby. ❤

Is it Okay to Think Other People Are Cute While in a Relationship?

I’ve had plenty of conversations with people about this and most think it’s okay or natural. I truly only have eyes for the person I’m with, however, if I’m not treated right, my mind will wonder.. Guilty of that. That seems more natural to me. Other girls I know, would talk about how cute this celebrity is and even have pictures of those people and I would have zero interest in doing that because I was in love. Which brings me to this.. If your partner thinks it’s okay to look up girls all the time and call them cute or fantasize about them, but gets mad at you when you say so and so is cute, is nothing more than hypocrisy. I can’t stand hypocrites. Owning up is a big thing in my book, so if you can do that, you’re alright. I think, if your partner makes you feel beautiful or handsome all the time and they call someone cute, it wouldn’t be a big issue, but I find that to be rare or that’s just my experience. I feel, making your partner feel number one before anyone else is a must because that’s who you’re with. So important to make them feel special and wanted. So, is it really bad to say other people are cute? I guess as you get older, you start to not care as much about that stuff, since it seems petty, but for me, I think it is okay, as long as at the end of the day, you’re partner isn’t neglected or made to feel like they don’t matter. Relationships are hard work, but it’s not hard to show you love and adore them, above anyone else.

Is Watching Porn or Looking at Other People Acceptable in a Relationship?

”I’ll tell you something else: guys masturbate…a lot. Even when they have girlfriends! And while you would love for your boyfriend to get off to you and only you, that’s not realistic or fair.”-Some girl

I’ve talked to many people about this topic and it’s quite divided. When you look at statistics about porn and why it’s not healthy at all, it makes you wonder why people in relationships or in general, watch it. Yes, it’s an easy fix and yes, some would say it’s only a fantasy..No touching so no harm no foul.  This person writing how ”it’s not fair or realistic to expect your boyfriend to only get off to you,” is a load of crap, in my opinion. You shouldn’t have to watch porn while in a relationship. You should be able to spice it up and try at least to make each others fantasies come true. If you aren’t having sex due to the relationship not being in a good place, it’s still not an excuse to watch porn or scroll through pictures of naked guys or girls. I used to watch porn and then, I fell in love and he became my one and only at the time. I didn’t want or care for porn anymore. My attention was all on him, but that was a one way street. I give my all in a relationship, but I refuse to put up with crap. If your guy says, ” oh I don’t care if you watch it or look at other guys,” hit him with the ” okay, so I can look at guys I know and your cool with that?” It all seems to change then. Looking at people you know or don’t know, it’s still the same thing. You can find a way to contact both parties so the excuse of ” well, he’ll never see those people in real life,” is crap too. Sex in a relationship and being intimate is very important, but it also depends on the couple. Personally, I don’t need porn or anything for that matter to have a fun and exciting sex life. Being each others everything and one and only, is a beautiful thing and should remain that way, in all aspects of the relationship. It’s not only about you in a relationship and your partners needs should be a main priority. No room for being selfish, unless it’s a healthy selfish.It’s such a good feeling being treated like you’re the only one, but it’s also damaging when you don’t feel good enough. Some people would say it’s coming from an insecure place, if you’re upset with your partner watching or looking at porn… I don’t find that to be true. Their partner maybe, neglects them and treats them bad and chooses porn over them. I wouldn’t call that insecure. Porn can destroy relationships, even a healthy one. To love is to respect. To each their own, but facts are facts.

A letter to my Mimi from her baby

Dear Grandma, ( I know you hate being called that)

I’m sorry you have a daughter that controls everything and lies for a living to get what she wants. I’m sorry your so called ”conservator”, won’t tell you the truth about your son and how he is doing. I’m sorry your other granddaughter keeps you all to herself and acts like she’s number one all because she suddenly took an interest in you once she had kids. What you don’t know is, your daughter and your conservator won’t let me see you or talk to you without permission because they are afraid I’ll tell you about your son and how he’s doing. You and I were so close and for a while there, it was only me seeing you almost every day. Before I would go to the bar, I would stop by and hangout with you and every time you would tell me to be careful and I’d give you a hug and kiss and say, I’ll be back. I would bring you your favorite vanilla shake and we would share fries and talk about everything. You would get so happy to see me and always asked where I was. I would always document our visits with our fun pictures because you always thought you didn’t look good and I wanted to prove you wrong. You are beautiful. The sad part is, you probably are getting told, that I no longer want to see you or some made up bullshit like always. What’s also sad is how your other granddaughter won’t stand up for what’s right because she’s nothing but selfish. Selfish for, letting you worry about your son with no real answers and letting you worry about me and letting you think the worst. I could fight it and just go over to see you or even call you again, like I tried to do, but I know I’ll get turned away and I can’t afford a lawyer. How sad that it would come to that. Your daughter, granddaughter, conservator and caregiver, have no idea what it feels like to be erased. They don’t care though because they have you. I can at least say, that I was the first and only one, to take you to visit Grandpa for the first time after he passed and I’ll always have that memory to make me smile. I can only imagine how my dad feels. That pain is unreal. I hope you know how much he adores and loves you. I adore and love you too and always will. I remember asking you what tattoo you would want me to get in honor of you 935513_900403076641424_36786990_n

and you of course objected to that idea, but I said I’m doing it anyway and you said to get pansies. Which are your favorite flower, so that’s exactly what I got. Every tattoo I have, has a meaning and when I look at my arm, I will think of you and how you supported, loved and cared for me. I feel like I’m writing to you as if you passed away, but in a way, that’s how it feels. People are cruel and I hope those who have taken you away, someday realize, their actions were beyond wrong and uncalled for. I’m thankful I have videos of you telling me you love me because I’ll never get to hear your voice again. Believe me, you’re worth the fight, but to fight those people isn’t worth it. My favorite picture of you and I, is me laying on your lap during a fishing trip and I remember feeling completely content. You made me eat everything off my plate and I couldn’t leave the table until I did and you made me say grace even if I didn’t want to and most of all, loved me no matter what.  I remember waking up  one day at your house and you were just leaning over me to see what I was doing that day, which makes me laugh thinking about it..Felt like a movie moment. I hope you know that, your baby grandchild loves you, your son and my mom love you so much and someday, we’ll all be together again without all the bullshit and mean people around. You’re one of a kind, my Mimi. ❤


Can We Really Live Without Someone?

There have been a few people who I thought I could never live without. I had many memories with them, even in a short amount of time and yet, we split and I can honestly say, I was able to move on. Strange thing is, having dreams where these people will pop up and I’m reminded of them and I end up wondering, what they are up to, when I would rather  not think about them. That makes it a bit difficult, but then the day goes on. I feel, people need to prove themselves and keep proving themselves because that is how you show you care. If you give up and act like people will just keep sticking around, I’d think again. A lot of people will sadly stay, but people do find the courage to move on. I don’t trust easily and for good reasons. I tend to get let down and people would say,” you should know this was going to happen,” but that’s not right. Doesn’t make it okay. It’s a learning process and every person you come across and in my case, is either a blessing or a lesson. People that become lessons, doesn’t mean it has to be a negative thing. Think about it in a positive way and grow from it. I struggle with that, but I’m doing pretty damn good. I believe you can live without people, but it’s nice to know, there are people that are reliable, loving and good, who are worth keeping around.

How To Love Yourself and Keep Living Happy

I watched the movie, Penelope and it got me thinking about society and the constant judgement that goes on. Now, I don’t follow trends, never have, so when I see people who have ”mastered” their makeup or how to do their hair and they criticize someone who does their makeup far less than the other person and they say ” oh they don’t know how to apply this or that or they are doing it all wrong” actually, they are doing it how they want to do it. What it comes down to, in my opinion is, people not being able to accept originality. Now days, it seems like that’s hard to find, but trust me, it’s still out there. I don’t judge anybody simply because what other people wear, do, how they walk, talk, do their makeup or hair, they must like being that way so I figure, let them be. What’s my judging going to do? Change them? No.Unless you are hurting someone, then there is judgment on my end. I believe in giving a compliment because I enjoy making people smile or I’m just plain nice to them, even if they aren’t nice to me. I don’t understand why people are concerned with how other people do things. The life you should be worried about, is your own. Not how someone else chooses to live theirs. Which brings me to loving yourself.. accept how you do you. Staying authentic, is most important, especially, now days, when trends just take over everything. Trends aren’t bad, only when you lose yourself to perfect eyebrows or the best of the best and needing to fix this or that. Not against fixing anything either. Happiness is key and being able to supersize or downsize something, is a beautiful process, if done for the right reasons. As long as you know, everything you are doing is because YOU want to do it and it’s for your benefit, the love for yourself will blossom. Try smiling more, even before going to sleep. Might sound odd, but from my own experience, it makes a difference and you can definitely make time to do it. If you stay kind, loving, humble and sweet towards others, you’ll grow happier and most important, you’ll grow into a stronger person. If you send out positive vibes, you’ll get positive vibes back. Maybe not right away, but don’t let that discourage you.. Don’t let it bring you down, if you don’t get the response you want. How you react, is what will make or break you.( Speaking from experience) In conclusion, loving yourself requires work and it’s not always easy, but a life lived happy seems way more worth it, than living day-to-day as Debbie downer. Let’s be positive Patties!

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